Ask The Emperor - Advice Blog

Feeling flabby

2009-03-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Emperor,
I have really low self-esteem. I think I’m fat and ugly. But my mom and dad say that’s not true. They say I’m not fat (I’m 5' 6" and 144 lbs), I’m beautiful and that a lot of guys stare at me. But no guys ever talk to me! I mean I've noticed guys staring at me but my bff can get any guy to talk to her! The only thing I get is a stare, and sometimes their mouth is open. The three things I hate about myself are my eyes (they are big and so dark brown they are black), my stomach (I have no muscle down there and feel chunky), and my lips (my lips are crooked though my mom says no one can notice because they are full). I don’t know what to do! I mean I wanna be confident and all that but it’s just so hard. Any advice?

- Fatty in Frisco

Well, I would first ask any young padawan learner, have you consider a career in evil? Physical looks have virtually no impact on your ability a suitable entry-level position on the darkside. You might wander how this will help you with the guys, but trust your emperor, these things must be taken one step at a time. Use your unfortunate appearance as motivation for power and then use your power to advance your desires. And as a reminder, no one is perfect. Even I, the emporer of f'n galaxy, have skin that looks like bleach bantha jerky, but I still do well with the ladies. Never underestimate the power of the darkside.

Or if you don't want to take my advice, I hear there's a hover barger on Tattooine that has a opening you may just be large enough to fill.

- Emperor P.

Cheated Wife

2009-01-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Emperor,

I have been married for the past 9 years (those are Earth years) and my husband has become very distant lately. He's almost always gone and when we are together, he never wants to be intimate with me. I suspect that he's cheating on me and just don't know what to do. Please help me. You're my only hope.

-Cheated in Cleveland

Your husband is definitely cheating on you. I can sense these things. The question is what should you do? Well, there are two options. One, submit to his will and be a lonely spinster until he sees fit to have you destroyed or seize power over your relationship and do some cheating of your own. I recommend the latter but would like to give you some more of my thoughts on the subject in person. Perhaps you could swing past the forest moon of Endor for a one-on-one. I have much to teach you on the subject. You want this don't you. I'll leave a spot open on my calendar.

-Emperor P

Penile Problem

2008-11-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Emperor,
I've got a problem in my "down stairs" area. I guess there's no delicate way to put it, so I'll just come right out with it. I have extremely swollen genitalia and not in a good way. The whole thing is ungodly out of shape to the point that I'm having trouble buttoning my pants. Please, Emperor, what should I do?

- Swollen in Saskatoon

Let me preface this by saying I am not a medical doctor, but as a destroyer of worlds and ruler of the galaxy, I think it is a step in the right direction. Follow me on this, young padawan. View your enlarged, misshapen member as a manifestation of your hatred and use it as a tool to crush those who oppose you and bring the weak to their knees. Use the hate that is, not necessarily the genitalia. Or you could try an ointment, but remember the stuff I told you about the hate. It should come in handy regardless.

- Emperor P.

Boss Troubles

2008-10-27T18:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Emperor,
My boss is a dick. I've been working in the same job for 2 years and although I'm a great worker, I've yet to get a promotion or even a raise. I know it's because of my boss. He hates me, because I'm better at his job than he is. Please Emperor, tell me what I should do.

- Frustrated in Toledo

Ah yes, I can sense your desire for power is strong. Excellent. However, you should resist the urge to strike him down and seize his position of authority for your own. Instead, make the weak-minded fool your ally and use his power as leverage to rise above him and crush him from your rightful place, young apprentice.

- Emperor P.